To The One After my First Love

To the boy who mended my heart and then broke it, 

When you first walked into my work you probably didn't notice the broken girl in front of you. My heart was broken and needed some major TLC  to feel somewhat better. 

First heart break is never easy, what are you to do when the first person you've ever given something so precious to, throws it back? The once pristine, new and excited red heart, now broken, sad and frightened of giving it away again. 

Throughout the year of losing my first love, through no fault of my own, consisted of many love affairs and lots of tears. No one could capture my heart quite like my first, and in all honesty I don't think it wanted to. The romantic in me longed for my first love to stand outside my window, serenading me with 'our' song and confessing his love for me all over again. However, that was a fantasy - a good classic solid story line for the 80s films I love to watch. In reality, I tried to fill the void of losing him with one night stands, lots of binge eating and many, many, many glasses (or bottles) of wine. In that year, I had also learnt to be independent, appreciate the freedoms and learn to love myself. By no means do I love every part of myself and feel confident but I did learn to start appreciating myself more. This post is not intended to be about my first love; I am sure that will come but instead it is about the one after my first love. 

Now, this isn't the boy who I first kissed after my first love and I parted ways, this is the one after my first love that I finally gave my nervous and scared heart away to. I think after any heartbreak this is always scary, but you persuaded me with your honey coloured eyes and oh so smooth charm and you won me around. Do I regret it? I've not quite decided yet. 

When you walked into my work, a cheeky smile plastered onto your face, I instantly felt a swarm of butterflies explode in my stomach (and you still very much have that same effect on me now). You asked for my number, I never thought it would go as far as it did; but it did. 

Flirty messages exchanged back and forth until we decided to meet. I should have taken our first meeting as a big omen. But I don't think any sign - even if it were to hit me right bang, smack in the face that  - would be acknowledge by me. Dancing in my favourite club, to my favourite music with my best girls and my soon-to-be boyfriend (or so I hoped), not the usual first date but we went with it.

I was smitten, I had not felt like this about a boy since my first: the rush, the excitement, the butterflies. We stayed in bed the next day, talking, getting to know each other and that's how it was. You wined and dined, introduced me to your friends and everything was perfect. I was ready to give my heart away, so I did and I thought you did too. 

Sadly, although the films like to make out differently, the butterflies and wooing doesn't last forever and you find the relationship exposing cracks you never thought in your wildest dreams you'd see. If only we had a crystal ball, ey? The arguments, the belittling, the constant bailing on plans, the excuses, the lies. 

My broken, terrified and dishevelled heart let you in, and instead of loving it and giving it the care it needed, you became too scared of yours ending up like mine. No pleads or I love yous would change the fate of our relationship. What was once so good, became so toxic. I gave you my already broken heart, and you crushed it into smaller pieces. 

So, to the one after my first love, thank you for showing me I shouldn't always go with my heart, and  not to ignore the red flags. I gave you something precious, and all I hope is you don't do it to the next broken girl that just needs someone to hold her and prove to her why you should let people in. 

And although, I gave you my heart, I'm not afraid to admit that you've made me scared to open up to someone again but you've also taught me that not everyone deserves your heart. So thank you. 

All my Love, 

Meg 

(Sorry that this is an extremely long post with not much purpose or ending, but it's my thoughts and feelings at this current time and I need an outlet to let out my frustration out on and heartbreak is never easy)